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Re-Defining Family in Our Society

February 10, 2013 By Freddy Zylstra

‘The bond that links your true family is not one of blood, but of respect and joy in each other’s life.’

Richard Bach, Illusions

Re-Defining Family in Our Society

Contrary to the stubborn beliefs of many ultra-conservatives in our country, the ‘ideal’ family of a mother and father (who were married in a church by a minister) and their perfectly clean, well-mannered 2.5 children may not ever have been typical.

Families come in all configurations. Even during the 1800’s for example, it was not uncommon for families to be blended. After all, if you didn’t succumb to influenza or the plague, you had a greater than average chance of being killed by your wagon tipping over or your ax missing the log and hitting your leg. A woman’s husband getting killed left her little chance for survival on the plains. She could become a schoolteacher or a prostitute, the latter eliminating any hope of raising her own children. So, these people often cohabited, as much from necessity as the practical knowledge that going through life together was simply easier. Many did not legally marry; preachers were few and far between in rural areas. The orphanages routinely brought children whose parents had died to schools, hoping they would be adopted into existing families.

During the Great Depression, many families moved in together just to survive. They made their way through life by sharing what they had – and got along because that is what it took.

Even in relatively recent times, it was not at all uncommon for many generations to live under the same roof. When grandma got old and needed care, she had a ready-made staff of caretakers young and old, who made sure she felt loved and stayed safe. In the 1970’s an upswing in communal living was popular as an antidote to the constraints of ‘establishment’ society, and ‘families’ were created.

Life is challenging. We are all making our way, trying to create a life and be our authentic selves. Why should we care if someone else’s idea of family is different from our own? In looking at my own spectrum of friends (who I consider my extended family), I see married couples, unmarried couples with children, single parents, gay couples, platonic friends living together and raising children, and friends whose immediate family is their dog. What do they all have in common? They are all sincere, ethical, hard-working people who I can count on to support my choices, whatever they are. They share heartache and joy, meet challenges as a team, and rely on each other during crises. They are families.

Many schools across the nation have incorporated a policy of tolerance and acceptance and make it a point to embrace all family structures and members. Some have even begun holding ‘family day’ where all makes and models of families are invited to come and share their stories. The goal is to teach kids that they should be accepting of other humans, whether or not they are similar or different. Caught early enough, teachers report, these kids are objective, interested, and very tolerant of others. They champion each other’s rights. They aren’t afraid to admit they are vulnerable, and hold hands for comfort as they brave the new school year.

Yet in spite of the real facts – that ‘family’ in reality has likely never been as narrow as the conservative definition (except perhaps in the late 1950’s on Leave It To Beaver) there is an attempt by some to insist on a very rigid definition of family.

Tim Graham, of the ultra-conservative Media Research Center, is outraged that schools have an anti-bullying policy which includes gay kids. According to him, we are living in a ‘hypersexualized’ society and this anti-bullying policy causes a terrible loss of innocence in our children. I guess it’s okay with Mr. Graham if one of these innocent little darlings says something nasty and demeaning to another child as long as that child is gay. Apparently, he’s all for an anti-bullying policy, as long as we are selective about who we don’t bully. How he manages to extrapolate sex from anti-bullying is beyond comprehension, but I suspect he sees sex in everything, which says more about his own mind than others’.

How much better our world would be if Mr. Graham and his contemporaries could find it in their hearts to have respect and joy for others’ choices. He would have more time to spend soul-searching his unhealthy obsession with sexuality.

Citizens for Choice embraces families of all types – regardless of sexual orientation.

Why Take Care of Your Reproductive Health?

January 9, 2013 By Freddy Zylstra

Regular reproductive health care checkups save lives. A yearly exam can yield valuable information about your reproductive health, and includes screening for cervical cancer, breast exams, and pelvic exams for women and testicular cancer screening for men. According to the Guttmacher Institute, 6 in 10 people consider family planning centers their main source of health care.

Why is this? In part, it’s because these centers focus on prevention and education. They make a concerted effort to offer no cost or low cost services, non-judgmental information and education, and a community-centric attitude.

Women, in general, spend nearly 68% more on health care than men, primarily for reproductive health care needs. Often, these funds are an out-of-pocket cost they must absorb without the help of insurance. Many are forced to go without, unless they have access to a community family planning enter.

What services might you expect from a family planning center?

STI Testing and treatment. Testing for STI’s is crucial for those who are sexually active. The incidence of STI’s has almost doubled in the 50+ age category. Partly due to drugs such as Viagra, this age group is enjoying sex well into their 80’s. Since education about STI’s is typically geared for the younger crowd, the message apparently isn’t getting through to this demographic. They feel as if they don’t need to use condoms, because they have often been through menopause and no longer need worry about an unplanned pregnancy. Some, who may have been in a monogamous relationship for decades and are now single again, may never have used a condom. They often are embarrassed to ask how. Family planning centers, such as The Clinic! offer a compassionate atmosphere, education and free instruction on condom use.
Counseling, information and referrals for unplanned pregnancies. If you think you are pregnant, you need to know for certain as soon as possible. Even if this is happy news, it can be stressful, especially if it is your first child. Having someone compassionate and non-judgmental who can talk you through all your options can make an often overwhelming and emotional situation much easier to navigate – and allow you to decide what is best for yourself.
Contraception; including emergency contraception. The staff will talk with you about your options for contraception, so you can make the decision that is right for you and your lifestyle. If you are in need of emergency contraception, they will explain how it works and let you make an informed decision.

Family planning centers like The Clinic! typically offer a sliding-scale fee for those who may not qualify for one of the programs that cover reproductive health care, such as Family Pact or Medi-Cal. If you have no insurance, or carry a high deductible, you can still receive excellent care and information from one of these centers.

Many men and women who have insurance coverage still elect to go to a family planning center for reproductive health care, citing the knowledge, objectivity, common sense and care they receive from doctors and staff as well as the time spent explaining procedures and/or medication.

Their goal is to empower men, women and teens to take charge of their reproductive health, make informed decisions and enjoy a healthy life.

For more information about Citizens for Choice or The Clinic!, visit our website at www.citizensforchoice.org.

Sex Education – A Powerful Weapon in Ensuring Health and Safety

October 28, 2012 By Freddy Zylstra

Education is the most powerful weapon which you can use to change the world. Nelson Mandela

This statement could not be truer when applied to education about our reproductive health. The issue of sex education in schools is a hot topic in California, with many schools and organizations attempting to circumvent the law and pressure their schools to offer ‘abstinence only’ education.

Their argument? Telling adolescents that abstinence is the only choice they have will prevent pregnancy. This ‘head in the sand’ approach is not only dangerous, but illegal. The California Department of Education has mandated schools that teach sex education must comply with their guidelines, which clearly spell out what constitutes ‘medically accurate’ and ‘comprehensive sex education’.

Here’s what the California Education Code has to say about ‘abstinence only’ education:

“EC Section 51933 requires that classes that provide instruction on human development and sexuality in grades seven through twelve shall include medically accurate, up-to-date information about all FDA-approved methods for: 1) reducing the risk of contracting STDs, and 2) preventing pregnancy. Classes that provide instruction on HIV/AIDS prevention shall include medically accurate, up-to-date information on methods to reduce the risk of HIV infection, including the effectiveness rates of condoms and other contraceptives.

Instruction that emphasizes the benefits of abstinence while focusing exclusively on the failure rates or perceived disadvantages of condoms and other contraceptives is also prohibited by law. This would violate legal requirements that the instruction cover the effectiveness and safety (not solely the ineffectiveness) of condoms and other contraceptive methods and would also violate requirements that the instruction be medically accurate and objective.”

The law is clear. So why are schools bowing to pressure from religious parents and organizations? Often, individuals and/or organizations who apply pressure to schools are those who contribute money to underfunded school programs.

According to the Guttmacher Institute, ‘abstinence only’ education is a public disservice. A study conducted by them in 2008 found that these practices were based solely on ideology and politics, and do not constitute an appropriate public health service. Further, they found that these programs do not work, and can, in fact, be dangerous. Adolescents and teens not aware of STI’s, for example, are far more at risk for contracting an infection through lack of knowledge about prevention.

Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker praised a district attorney at a ‘right to life’ convention for his claim that teachers who promote comprehensive sex education were promoting the ‘sexualization’ of our children. Walker’s group, Pro-Life Wisconsin, supports the theory that education “encourages sexual promiscuity and with it a host of social pathologies including underage pregnancies, chemical and surgical abortions, and sexually transmitted diseases”.

Using his logic, explaining to a teenage girl what Herpes is and how it is transmitted will drive her directly into the arms of an unsuspecting (but verifiably infected) boy in an effort to contract the disease. I don’t know too many teenage girls who fit this profile, do you? Clearly, they must all live in Governor Walker’s neighborhood.

Education about reproductive health is not limited to young people. Many adults are misinformed about their own sexual health – which can cause them to make poor decisions when it comes to contraception and prevention of STI’s. Who serves these people when they seek answers and medically factual information?

Citizens for Choice provides education through The Clinic! for any person of reproductive age. They do not discriminate based on gender, age or sexual preference, and in fact, work tirelessly to engender tolerance and acceptance of all people.

Have that talk with your kids

Need help talking to your child about sexuality? Visit our website and see our ‘Parents’ page for great information. Even better, attend our upcoming free evening of informal discussion and help at ‘Let’s Talk – Teenagers and Sexuality’, to be held on November 7 from 6:00 p.m. – 7:30 p.m. at Lyman Gilmore Middle School. https://citizensforchoice.org/parents/

How Access To Reproductive Health Care Affects Men

October 5, 2012 By Freddy Zylstra

How access to reproductive healthcare affects men

“I’d thought sexuality was instinctive or natural, but it’s profoundly linked to inner security and cultural context.”

-Tahar Ben Jelloun, poet and philosopher

It seems that in the almost constant barrage of attacks on women’s reproductive rights, the loud wrangling and attempts by very conservative males to take away what should be a given – that is, control over our bodies – men’s reproductive rights are stuck in the coat closet with the deflated soccer ball and moth-eaten wool parka only to be examined on rare occasions.

Why is this? Why are men’s reproductive rights assumed and even celebrated while women have to wage an ongoing war just to protect theirs? One would think that the two are separate species, whose participation is not equally required to create another human being.

And yet, in spite of, or perhaps because of, the disparity in public perception, men’s rights to access to reproductive healthcare is often overlooked.

In part, this is due to the stereotype that it is a woman’s job to provide the birth control method. Many men are fearful of getting an exam and opt for the ‘head in the sand’ approach –what they don’t know can’t hurt them.

Is this a cultural issue? In some third world countries, men who contract a sexually transmitted disease are considered ‘blameless’, and some even feel that sex can be the cure – thinking that sex with a virgin will cure AIDS. Lest you think that this myth exists only in rural African cultures, history reveals that the myth of the Virgin Cure has a culturally diverse history stretching back to 16th century Europe where there existed a widespread belief that sexual intercourse with a virgin was a cure for syphilis. (http://www.scienceinafrica.co.za/2002/april/virgin.htm)

Are men’s self-perceptions beginning to evolve in a more positive way?

There is hope. According to the Wall Street Journal in May, 2012, a recent study by researchers at Ohio State University found that not only are men’s personal identities directly linked to being fathers, but so is their health. In a paper presented at the Population Association of America’s annual conference, the researchers reported that more paternal involvement was associated with decreases in substance-abuse, depression and risky behaviors for low-income fathers. There was also a correlation between involved fathers and their own self-reported physical health – those who participated in raising their children felt they had better health overall and were more likely to seek preventive medical care.

In a 2010 report published by the Future of Children, a joint project of Princeton University and the Brookings Institution, researchers were surprised to learn that “involvement with their offspring is high even among fathers who are not in a romantic relationship with the mother.” Even more striking, the study found that “a high proportion of all unmarried fathers say that they want to be involved in raising their child, and the mothers say they want the father’s involvement.”

A study by the International Conference on Population and Development postulated that by providing better access to reproductive health care for men, breaking the cultural barriers and preconceived beliefs held by men about their sexual health the following could be expected:

Slow the transmission of STI’s
Prevention of more unintended pregnancies
Encourage the practice of responsible fatherhood
Reduce abuse of women
Provide better family planning

Some solutions offered to begin the necessary change:

Create Primary Health Centers geared to meet both men and women’s needs and begin to look at reproduction as an event that requires both sexes
Develop more contraceptive options for men
Provide education to dispel rumors and misconceptions about reproductive health care for men
Work to change unfavorable social and cultural climates
Change provider bias against male involvement

Clearly, providing access to quality reproductive health care and education for both men and women will have positive repercussions. By involving men in becoming more responsible for their own reproductive health, we empower them to play a more active role in their sexuality and the consequences of that sexuality.

In partnership with Citizens for Choice, The Clinic!, staffed by Women’s Health Specialists, offers services to both men and women. For more information, visit www.citizensforchoice.org ‘just for men’ and ‘The Clinic!’ or www.womenshealthspecialists.org.

For more information, see: (http://www.unfpa.org/swp/2000/english/ch04.html ‘Men, Reproductive Rights and Gender Equality’)

Considering Adoption

September 10, 2012 By Freddy Zylstra

Both the courage and trust of those who decide to place their babies for adoption and the enthusiasm of those who adopt them are overwhelmingly vindicated by the tens of thousands of successful adoptions that take place in this country every year.

The New Yorker, editorial

The assumption that a birth mother who could give her child up for adoption is somehow lacking in maternal instinct is far from the truth. Birth parents are often in life circumstances which make it nearly impossible for them to provide proper care and nurturing of their baby. These parents make a loving but heart-wrenching decision to put the needs of their baby before their own. It can be the ultimate sacrifice.

In days past, adoptions were done in secret and records were sealed. It was felt that the child would be better off not knowing anything about her biological family – somehow the burden of knowing would be too great. There was the feeling that the birth mother must not want any contact – after all, why would she give up a baby if she wanted to see her grow up?

Times have changed. Many babies now find their families through open adoption. This process, though charged with much conflicting emotion, can be a loving and compassionate experience for both birth parents and adoptive parents. It takes great courage to give a child up for adoption; a selfless act of protectiveness and love.

Even though a birth mother may know adoption is the right choice, the actual surrendering of the baby may cause her to go through the phases of grief – numbness, shock, denial, depression, anger, guilt, and finally acceptance. Often, there is no acknowledgment of her feelings, or support from family or friends. They simply fail to see this as a loss. Nearly all agencies specializing in open adoption provide counseling to the birth parents to assist them through these emotions and help them come to resolution. Just knowing that someone understands and supports them is comforting.

What about adoptive parents? They may often feel as if they are applying for a job – and in many ways that is true. It may be the most important job of their lives. They want to show what good parents they will be, that they are able to financially support the child, and are trustworthy and responsible. It can be difficult to do this and allow your individual personality to shine through. One of the complaints voiced by birth parents is that all the bios start to sound the same.

Some adoptive parents feel guilty for taking the child from the biological mother – the event can be infused with such wild swings of emotion – and empathy sparks the realization that although the biological mother may be making a sound and positive decision, she feels pain at the separation.

These are challenges that must be dealt with – for all involved – through counseling, honest communication, and respect. Many are able to navigate these waters with grace and aplomb, resulting in the best possible outcome for the child.

Some of the most successful adoptions are open, with the biological mother and her extended family participating in a blanket of love and support for the child. The children seem to benefit from the idea that they have a very large group of people who love them. Contrary to what some naysayers claim, most of these children have no confusion about the role each of the players holds in their lives.

Who should adopt? Being a loving parent entrusted to raise a healthy, happy child is not an exclusive ability of two heterosexual Caucasian parents. Parents come in all types, ethnicities, sexual orientation, marital status, religion and age. To be a parent simply means you love a child unequivocally, and put his or her needs first. You are a teacher of life and champion cheerleader.

In Florida just a few years ago, it was illegal for a gay couple to adopt. They could, however, be a foster parent. Apparently the Florida legislature felt it was safe for a gay couple to act as an ‘interim’ parent to the most vulnerable of children, but as permanent parents – they just didn’t cut it. Their lawmakers finally came to their senses and realized the hypocrisy.

Not so long ago, single parents-to-be and interracial couples were also discouraged from adopting. The narrow view of who makes a good parent has, thankfully, changed. Now, many open-adoption agencies are encouraging birth parents to be actively involved in the choice of adoptive parents for their baby. This empowering method gives a voice to the birth parent, and engenders a much higher success rate for the adoption, and therefore the child. Families come in all shapes and sizes – those who are successful are the ones with plenty of love and support to go around.

Adopted children may have the same issues as biological children, and some unique to their own situation. Particularly in adolescence, it is normal for an adopted child to ask about the biological parent, and want to understand why that parent decided to give them up. An open adoption with extended families involved can make this transition to adulthood easier. Hurt and anger can take center stage while the child works the problems out. Feelings of rejection and loss are valid to a teen, who may view life in a less comprehensive and understanding way than an adult. Counseling can be very critical at this point to help adolescents develop their own sense of identity and self-worth.

The good news is that given a loving and nurturing family, a supportive and positive birth and extended family, adopted children can grow into confident, self-assured and productive adults.

Adoption Choices of Northern California (run by Women’s Health Specialists) offers a wonderful program of open-adoption, without bias due to age, marital status, sexual orientation, ethnicity, or religion. They firmly believe that the birth parent is the obvious choice to decide who will raise their child. Encouraging the birth parent(s) and adoptive parents to have open, honest communication and develop their own relationship for the sake of the child, they open the possibilities and opportunities for the child to succeed in life. What more could you ask?

For more information, see:

http://www.womenshealthspecialists.org/our-services/adoption

http://www.adoptivefamilies.com/openadoption.php

Women’s Health Specialists, in partnership with Citizens for Choice, runs The Clinic! in Grass Valley. www.citizensforchoice.org

Re-Defining Family in Our Society

Why Take Care of Your Reproductive Health?

Sex Education – A Powerful Weapon in Ensuring Health and Safety

How Access To Reproductive Health Care Affects Men

Considering Adoption

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